you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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