i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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