just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
