went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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