I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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