My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize