Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
