I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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