You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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