Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
