all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
