using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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