It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
