genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
