Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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