my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
