i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
