I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
