Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
