I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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