i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
