There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
