just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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