I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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