Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize