When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
