Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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