I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you didnt know i had herpes?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
