My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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