she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
