I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
