you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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