it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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