I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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