Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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