forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
