People with herpes should wear stickers.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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