Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
