And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
