I think I won the penis lottery.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
