it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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