When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
