I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
