i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
