MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
