drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize