I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
