I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
