I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
