I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
