if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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