you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
