if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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