I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize