doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
