I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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