I think my fart just growled at me.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
